Wise conclusions

Nishant, age eight, came back from school and said,

Nishant: I’d like to punch Sachin.

Mother: You’re really mad at Sachin!

Nishant: Yeah! Whenever we play football and I get the ball, he says, “Give it to me, Nishant, I’m better

Mother: then

Nishant:Wouldn’t that make anybody mad?

Mother: Yes

Nishant: But Sachin’s not really like that. In first grade he was always nice. But I think when Kunal came in the second grade, Sachin picked up the habit of boasting from him.

Mother: I see.

Nishant: Let’s call Sachin and invite him to the park.

 

Lesson: Here the mother realized how little she had actually spoken, and when guided the ability of the child to come to wise conclusions on his own. The mother realized that when she refrained from giving advice, the child really did start to toward his own solution. What actually makes the difference is the parent’s basic willingness to listen and their attitude of acceptance is what makes the difference.

Understand

Child: Dad, our test is postponed till next week.

Father: That must have been a relief for you.

Child: No, I am mad! Now I’ll have to study the same stuff again next week. Father: I see. You were hoping to get it over with.

Child: Yeah!

 

Lesson: Even if your understanding of the child’s feelings is wrong, the child will set you right.

Physical activities

A mother comes back and sees that her three-year old child lying on the floor and throwing tantrums. And her husband was standing disgusted at the behavior of the child.

The Mother grabbed a pencil and pad and told the child,

 

Mother: Here, show me how angry you are? Draw a picture of the way you feel.

    (The child takes the pencil and pad and draws angry circles.)

Child: This is how I feel!

Mother: You are really angry! Here is another piece of paper, show me more how angry you are. (He scribbled more furiously on the page.)

Mother: Boy, you are that angry!

When she handed him a third piece of paper, he was definitely calmer. He looked at it for a long time. Then he said,

Child: Now I will show my happy feelings.

(He drew a circle with two eyes and a smiling mouth. It was unbelievable.)

 

Lesson: Parents have found that when the child is extremely upset, sometimes a physical activity can help to relieve some painful feelings. There are children who feel calmer after punching a pillows, grocery cartons, etc. But one activity which seems most comfortable for parents to watch and most satisfying for children to do is to draw their feelings. In the above case study, in two minutes the child had changed from being hysterical to smiling – just because the mother let him show how he felt.

 

 Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare // Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare

Recognize the Experience

Child: My teacher says she’s calling off the class play. She’s mean.

Parent: That must be a big disappointment for you. You were looking forward to it. 

Child: Yeah. Just because some kids fool around at rehearsal. It’s their fault. Parent: (listens silently)

 Child:

She’s mad because nobody knows their parts, too.

Parent: I see.

Child: She said if we “shaped up”, she might give us one more chance ... I better go over my lines again. Would you cue me tonight?

     

Lesson: What people of all ages can use in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement; they need someone to recognize what it is they’re experiencing.

Hold off on giving advice

  Son: I’d like to punch that Uday in the nose! 

Father: Boy, you’re angry!

Son: I’d like to push his fat face in!

Father: You’re that mad at him!

Son: You know what that bully did? He grabbed my notebook at the bus stop and threw it in the dirt. And for no reason!

Father: Hmmm!

Son: I bet he thought I was the one who broke his dumb clay bird in the art room.

Father: You think so.

Son: Yeah, he kept looking at me all the time he was crying.

Father: Oh.

Son: But I didn’t break it. I didn’t!

Father: You know you didn’t.

Son: Well I didn’t do it on purpose! I couldn’t help it if that stupid Pawan pushed me in the

table.

Father: So Pawan pushed you.

Son: Yeah. A lot of things got knocked down, but the only thing that broke was the bird. I didn’t mean to break it. His bird was good.

Father: You really didn’t mean to break it.

Son: No, but he wouldn’t believe me.

Father: You don’t think he’d believed you if you told him the truth.

Son: I dunno... I’m gonna tell him anyway – whether he believes me or not. And I think he

should tell me he’s sorry for throwing my notebook in the dirt!

 Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare // Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare

Lesson: Hold off on giving advice. It is tempting to try to solve a child’s problem with an immediate solution. For eg"

Ma I’m tired”, “Then lie down and rest”;

“I’m hungry”, “Then eat something”;

“I’m not hungry”, “Then don’t eat.”

Resist the temptation to “make better” instantly. Instead of giving advice, continue to accept and reflect your child’s feelings.

   

In the above case study, the father hadn’t asked him any questions, yet the child had told him the whole story. He hadn’t given one word of advice and yet the child had worked out his own solution. It seems unbelievable that one can be helpful to the child, if he just listens and acknowledges the child’s feelings.